


Six Relatives Jake Jensen Never Had

by GeminiStep



Category: The Losers (2010)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-10-25
Updated: 2010-10-25
Packaged: 2017-10-12 21:27:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/129261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GeminiStep/pseuds/GeminiStep
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jake Jensen is often considered rather…odd.  His relatives are even more unique.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Six Relatives Jake Jensen Never Had

**Author's Note:**

> This has been floating around on my computer for a while as I thought up different fandoms Jensen could have relatives in. The segments are not in the order I wrote them, but in the one I wanted people to read them in. An extra AN at the bottom will explain which versions of the fandoms are used in the story since I didn't want to spoil anyone up here.
> 
> The last crossover is from a movie that just came out so I made absolutely sure nothing is revealed beyond what you would see in the previews for it.
> 
> Oh, and there's a bit of pre-slash in one segment if you squint.

beta'd by [alocine_89](http://alocine-89.livejournal.com/profile)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Jensen, watch out!” Pooch shouted from across the room.

Jensen ducked as the large table flew at him.  The others were trying to find cover from the shattered remains of furniture littering the floor.  The snarling above him made Jensen look up at the being responsible for the mess their safe house in New York was in.

Of all the people to die recently, Roque had to be the one who returned from the grave as a ghost.  The scarred man’s face was warped by his hate, a common feature according to his cousin Ray.

 _Hopefully Ray got my message by now_ , Jensen thought _.   I don’t know how much longer we can hold Roque off_.

As though thinking about the other man caused him to reply, Jensen’s phone beeped.  Glancing down at the screen, he quickly read the text message.

 **I got your message.  We’re on our way and will be there in five minutes or so.**

True to his cousin’s words, Jensen could just make out the distinct siren the Ghostbusters used on all their vehicles.

“Where is that siren coming from?”  Clay asked from the other side of the room.  “It doesn’t sound like any law enforcement alarm I’ve heard before.”

Aisha and Pooch shook their heads in confusion before diving out of the way of the kitchen sink.  Jensen opened his mouth to answer, but Cougar beat him to it.

“Ghostbusters.”

At everyone’s looks, Cougar expanded his explanation.

“It’s New York.  Ran into them with a previous unit.  They’re good people.”  Cougar shrugged at the continued stares.

“When we get out of this, you are so telling me that story,” Jensen informed his boyfriend. 

“That still doesn’t answer how they know to come here,” Aisha reminded them.

“That’s easy.  I texted Ray when Roque first showed up.  Plus, it’s like Cougar said:  it’s New York.  Any suspicious sounds or events and someone always rings up the Ghostbusters.  Their headquarters is getting almost as much traffic as the Statue of Liberty, which is really funny if you think about it.”

“How the hell do you have their number on your phone?”  Pooch asked, in a surprised voice.  “I don’t think you’ve ever run into ghosts before.”

“Ray Stantz is my cousin by way of my father.  I would spend part of summer vacation with him and his parents.  Did I forget to mention that fact?”

“Yes,” Clay replied, sounding annoyed.

“Don’t worry.  They know what they are doing.  Roque won’t be our problem anymore.”  Jensen attempted to comfort his team as they dodged the debris their former traitor threw at them.

“He shouldn’t be our problem now!”  Pooch yelled as he got clipped by a flower pot.

The front door burst open and all four Ghostbusters rushed into the room and aimed their weapons at Ghost Roque and turned them on.

0000000000000000

“Explain this to me again, Jensen.  Why exactly are we traipsing around Japan instead of hunting down more information on Max?”

Jensen mentally sighed in frustration as he looked up at his CO.  _I bet Indiana Jones never had to go through this.  People just believed what he said and followed him around the world._

“We’re doing this to help my sister.  She uncovered information that indicated that pieces to an ancient and powerful weapon spread throughout the world.  Her sources have found hints that one of Max’s operations is involved in trying to recover the five fragments.”

“But what does that have to do with us actually being in Japan?”  Pooch asked.

Jensen turned the screen of his laptop around and showed the rest of the Losers the pictures of a wall of Egyptian hieroglyphics.

“My sister’s tech, Zip, sent me the scans and translations from one of the walls in Karnack.  The translation gives the general locations of the pieces and one of them was hidden in the Ikoma Jinja shrine.”

“Why isn’t she going after this piece?  Isn’t this more her sort of mission?”

Jensen’s computer beeped, letting him know he had a new e-mail.  He turned it back towards him and answered Clay as he opened the new message.

“She has to take Amelia to her grandparents in America, then she’s flying out to Chile to retrieve the piece that’s supposed to be hidden somewhere in there.”

“Chile?” 

Jensen looked up and noticed the disbelief on Cougar’s face.

 “The people that hid them did a really good job at selecting places that were not even remotely close to each other.  At least we don’t have to go to Antarctica this time.  She had to go there once and her description of the place makes me not want to go there myself.  You know, despite how much we’ve traveled in the army, my sister still manages to out travel me in terms of exotic locations and I am beginning to get jealous.”

“Get to the point,” snapped Aisha.

Jensen glanced at the rest of the Losers and saw the look of annoyance on Aisha’s face.  “Before you begin to protest this Aisha, my sister will be providing the funds, not you.  That’s one of the benefits we have at being duel citizens of America and Great Britain and having your father be a wealthy aristocrat.  It’s too bad I’m technically dead since it would be nice to have access to my own money. “

Shutting off his computer, Jensen stood up and started packing.  They were wasting time talking and Zip warned him that a unit under Max’s command just booked a flight to Japan.  The Losers needed to get moving if they were going to beat the mercenaries to the shrine. 

Jensen was grateful he convinced Lara to take on Zip as her tech support after he decided to join the army and would no longer be able to help her himself. 

“Think of it this way.  Once we get this shard we will get to take a break at Croft Manor as we wait for Lara to get back from Chile.  As for Max, there is nothing in this world that can stop Lara Croft when she gets involved in a mystery.  My sister’s bested a former ruler of Atlantis, survived a face-off with both the Egyptian god Set and a Nephilim, as well as various corporations bent on power.  One well connected CIA spook will be nothing for her.”

0000000000000000

Jensen smiled a vicious grin as he rerouted the general’s ticket from the flight to Newark to a flight to Acapulco.  He hoped the general remembered to bring his passport for the trip.  Once that was completed he then deleted the cell phone accounts of the MPs with the General as well as the man himself.  The lack of service would make getting to his superiors that much harder for a while.  Jensen couldn’t do much more without putting the target more firmly back on his team, but he tried to do what he could to mess with that man.

No one went after his family without him retaliating in some way.  Jeff Tanaka learned that when he tried to bully his sister Melissa in seventh grade and Hailey Rosenblatt found out the same thing when Melissa roomed with her in college.  General Decker had been trying to capture his uncle and friends for far too long for Jensen to ignore him. 

“Jensen, what did you do?” Clay asked from the doorway, startling him.

“Just rerouting someone to a different plane.” 

Jensen smiled angelically, trying to make it look as though he did this every day.  The sigh he got in return was proof that he needed to work on his innocent act.

“Exactly who did you do this to and is it going to bite us later on?” Clay demanded.

“It was only General Decker and no one will be able to trace it back to me,” Jensen nodded at his own assessment.

“We are trying to get on the good side of the Company and you go messing with one of the best generals?”  Disbelief dripped from Clay’s words.

“Hey, he and one of those CIA Lynch spooks have been messing with my family.” Jensen looked his commanding officer straight in the eye.  “No one is allowed to harass them if I can do something about it.

“Someone’s going after your sister and you didn’t tell us?”

“No, Clay.  They set up my uncle and his unit to take the fall for a theft of US Treasury plates a few years ago and he’s been on the run like we are.”

Jensen wanted to laugh at the expression on Clay’s face as the pieces to the puzzle fell into place.  Clay was good at placing bits of information together and that particular disaster was well known enough for him to make the connection.

“You’re related to one of the A-Team?”   Clay said disbelievingly.

Jensen smirked at the reaction. 

“My mother’s younger brother babysat my sister and me for our grandparents a lot when we were younger.  H.M. Murdock was always entertaining even back then.”

“You know, that really explains a lot.” Clay shook his head as he left the room, muttering something about needing a drink.

0000000000000000

“Finally the mission is over and we have two weeks of leave.  I can’t wait to go home and see Jolene.  I have everything planned out…What the hell is that?” Pooch exclaimed as he opened the door to their hotel room.

At his yell, Jensen leaned as far as he could around the other man without toppling over on his crutches.  The sight that greeted him made him chuckle.

“Oh that’s just Great Uncle Moriarty,” Jensen informed him.  “My sister likes to use him when she sends me letters.  She thinks of it as a reminder for me not to get killed in battle like he did.”

Jensen bumped the shoulder of his crutch into the stunned man, prompting him to move into the room so that he could get in as well.  The shorter man sank onto the bed he shared with Cougar, not taking his eyes off of the gold toothed skull on the bed Jensen was using.

The Losers only had the funds for two rooms this time so two of them had to share one bed.  Jensen and Cougar started out sharing after they lost the raffle, but with Jensen’s broken leg the sleeping arrangements had to be reassigned.  Clay certainly wasn’t going to share as he was their commander so Roque, Pooch, and Cougar drew lots and Roque ended up with the other free bed.

Jensen ended up with a broken leg when their latest mission went pear shaped and resulted in his capture by the gun runners they were trying to gather intel on.  Despite his captors being rather violent his only apparent injury was the leg, which happened when they jumped him. 

Jensen figured his lack of injuries resulted from managing to freak out the man who was attempting to torture him for information. 

 _I didn’t think critiquing him while he set up would unnerve him that badly_ , Jensen reflected _.  Just from the set up I could tell that he wasn’t going to use enough pain to even remotely get me to consider talking.  I was just trying to be nice._   Jensen gave a mental sigh _.  I guess comparing his technique to my older sister’s  might been a bit rude, but the guy was an amateur compared to what she used to do to us during weekday afternoon play time_.

The Losers had been quick to get him out, but his leg put them all on mandatory down time until it healed enough to send them back in.  Apparently Jensen was the only hacker still willing to work with the team.  The rest with the skills the Losers needed had heard horror stories from past communications specialists and flat out refused to have anything to do with Clay and his unit.

“Your sister sends you skulls?  Wait a minute, how’d she even find us?  We’re in Egypt!”  Pooch’s voice went up an octave, bringing Jensen back to the present.

“I’ve stopped asking that question years ago.  She has her ways and I don’t even want to know them.” Jensen addressed the second question first.  “At least she isn’t sending decapitated doll heads anymore.  Eileen finally got over that stage last year so my sister stopped sharing her daughter’s latest efforts.”

“Man, Jensen.  Your family is strange.” 

“Pooch, you have no idea.”

Jensen had to smile at that.  Pooch really didn’t have a clue to how accurate his statement was.  Jensen had never introduced his teammates to his family, not wanting to scare the Losers into early retirement.  That actually had happened when he’d taken a few of his friends from an earlier unit home to visit on their time off.  After being a part of the army for so long, he tended to forget how odd his family appeared to outsiders.

Pulling a black envelope out from between Great Uncle Moriarty’s teeth, Jensen opened it to see an invitation for a family reunion back at the mansion.  Added in at the bottom was an unsubtle order for Jensen to bring his unit with him to meet the family or Wednesday and Pugsley would track them down themselves.

 _Well, it had to happen eventually_ , Jensen thought.  _I know that Pooch, Roque, and Clay have previous plans but I think Cougar is free.  Hopefully one will be enough for now.  I wonder why Wednesday specifically mentioned to bring Cougar.  I wouldn’t put it past her to know that he would be the only one free.  At least Cougar should be able to handle them, considering some of the things we’ve seen_.

Looking up at the soft footsteps entering the room Pubert Jakob Jensen Addams smiled at his boyfriend.

“Hey Cougar, there’s an Addams family reunion next week.  Want to come meet my relatives?”

0000000000000000

Jensen grumbled into the gag tied around his mouth.  He was tied to a chair in the server room of one of Snow-Byte Electronics’ corporate buildings.  Jensen assumed his location was due to the room having sound proofing.  If you were going to interrogate a hostage in a building where normal people work, it would be best to use the room that will muffle any screams or attempts at gaining help. 

One of Clay’s contacts had found a connection between Ryan Lynd, the corrupt CEO of the company, and one of Max’s latest schemes.  Jensen was sent in to hack their system and see if there were any hidden files when he was knocked out.

 _Why am I always the one who gets hit over the head?_   Jensen complained to himself _.  Don’t people realize I need my brain in good working order so I can pull off the impossible things I do on computers.  Trust Aisha and Clay to get me into this mess.  Did we really need to make a backdoor directly into their hardware?  No we didn’t._  

Making a disgusted sound that wasn’t nearly as satisfying when muffled, he continued to rant.  _Now I have to sit here bored until my guard comes back.  I hate being bored; it’s like my will to live gets sucked out of me when that happens.  Can a person actually die of ennui?  If I had my computer on me I could research it.  I mean, there are actual documented cases of people dying from nightmares, why not boredom._  

 _It’s like that Edward Gorey poem_ The _Gashlycrumb Tinies_ _.  Hmm, if we go by that poem Aisha will die falling down the stairs, Clay will die by being sucked dry by a leech (and isn’t that a nice comparison to some of the women he’s dated in the past), Cougar will waste away, and Pooch will accidentally swallow tacks.  I would eat lye by mistake…_

Jensen’s thoughts trailed off as he heard the door behind him begin to open.

“Did you see how I took that guy down?” An excited voice exclaimed behind him.  “I was like ‘pow’ and he dropped like a rock.”

“Hardison, the guy was already hurt and dizzy.  You didn’t do that much,” an all too familiar voice replied.

“Come on, that’s how we work.  You take the strong guys out and I finish off the ones that don’t immediately fall over.  Plus there is the fact that I have mad hacking skills.”

Jensen listened in astonishment as his big brother grumbled a reply.  Quickly recovering from the surprise, Jensen began to grin as he waited for the pair to notice him.  This was going to get interesting.

“What the hell?” the first man said.  “Eliot, why is there a guy tied to a chair in the corner?”

Jensen listened to the footsteps stalking closer and tensed slightly as his chair was finally turned around.

His brother took an involuntary step backwards as the light from their flashlights illuminated his face.  Jensen let a bit of smug satisfaction run through him.  It was hard to shock his brother.

“Wait a minute.  Do you know this guy?”  The black man, whom Jensen assumed was called Hardision, was looking back and forth between the pair.

Instead of replying, Eliot stepped forward and untied the gag from Jensen’s mouth, finally giving him a chance to talk.

“Hey big brother, fancy meeting you here.  Karen, Allison, and I missed you at Christmas dinner last year.”

0000000000000000

The Losers were pinned down in the warehouse.  Max’s security team had them almost completely surrounded and each bullet was slowly chipping away at their cover.

“Clay, I’m out!” Pooch shouted from his perch near one of the windows on the catwalk.

Jensen knew that he was running low as well and he doubted that Clay, Aisha, and Cougar were doing much better.  After several years on the run, the Losers were close to finally taking down Max when they were led into a trap by one of their CIA contacts.  The trap left them stranded in a building that apparently had paper for walls since they provided almost no protection from the bullets hitting them. 

Jensen fired the last bullets in his clip then dropped his gun.

“I’m out as well.” Jensen informed his CO.

Next to him Cougar stiffened at the news.  The sniper paused long enough to pull out a spare gun and offer it to him.

“No thanks.” Jensen pulled out his computer at Cougar’s incredulous look.  “I’m going to go out fighting my way.  We may not walk out of here but,” Jensen paused as he began typing furiously.  “I am going to do as much damage to his systems as I humanly can.”

Cougar grabbed his hand and pressed the gun into it; his eyes daring Jensen to refuse.

“Alright, I get it.  My gun is my friend.  I still think you need this more and I do.”

Before Cougar could reply a large explosion from outside caused a momentary lull in the battle.

“Everyone report,” Clay demanded.  “What was that?”

“Someone seems to be attacking Max’s men from the building to the north,” Aisha replied.

Without warning the sound of more guns began to filter in from around them.

“They’re aiming for Max’s people,” Pooch observed.

Jensen set down the laptop and returned fire with Cougar’s gun, pointedly ignoring the smug smile the sniper wore.

Within ten minutes the last of their attackers were down.  The Losers were tense as they waited for their mysterious friends to appear.   Considering whom they were, there weren’t that many people willing to help them out.

“We’re coming in,” a male voice shouted before the side door opened.

A tall, bald white man walked in with a gun in hand, although it wasn’t immediately pointed at them.  He stood there for a minute having a staring contest with Clay, who he obviously identified as the man in charge. 

Jensen tensed further, wondering how the stalemate was going to play out when his question was answered in a very unexpected way.

“Really, Francis.  Where are your manners,” a dignified English woman’s voice stated.

Jensen’s jaw dropped and he knew his eyes were bugging out as an older woman walked gracefully into the warehouse.

“ _Mother?_   How...?  When…?” Jensen stuttered, for once without anything to say.  Of all the people he expected to run into, his biological mother was not one of them.

“Mother!” chorused his team as they gave him incredulous looks.

“You have a son, Victoria?”  The man with his mother looked as shocked as the Losers.

“Well of course I do.  And you know his father as well.” 

Getting over his shock, Jensen ran to give her a hug. 

“That’s a good boy.” Victoria replied, smiling at him.  “Now then, let’s introduce our teams to each other before we see about taking care of this little spot of bother you and your friends are in.”

**Author's Note:**

> The Losers are the movie version of the universe. The Ghostbusters are based on the two original movies. Lara Croft is game based, rather than cinema based. The A-Team is mostly cinema based, but with television details. The Addams Family is based on The Addams Family and Addams Family Values movies from 1991 and 1993 respectively. Leverage is through season 2. Red is the movie version, not the comics and is technically post-movie, not that you can tell. I threw in Edward Gorey stuff just to amuse myself.


End file.
